When Asana makes you an asshole…

When asana makes you an asshole

It took me about 6 years of daily Ashtanga practice to find my “jump back”... and it also took about 6 years for me to develop a serious imbalance with the rest of my life.

Our practice is a backdrop, I’ve been saying this for years, a Sadhana, a ritual, something to give you a baseline and something to keep coming back to. 

And come back to it I did. Day after day. No matter what else was going on with my life, I found a way to do my asana practice. I rated myself against my ability to get on my mat for 2 hours of challenging asana. If I was sick or needing rest, I felt regret and anxiety about needing a day off. If something in my life pulled me away or shortened my practice, I felt immense guilt and had toxic self talk about how I was letting myself get distracted.

To be clear, I was never chasing asanas, I was (and continue to be), coming to the practice for the work of self discovery. Asana felt amazing and I got stronger and more flexible the more I practiced. Its true, the ashtanga sequences become a sort of moving meditation, linked with yogic breathing, and can be a revitalizing tool for both physical health and spiritual development. 

I love my practice

But after 6 years, two trips to india, and many aspects of my “normal life” falling to pieces, I realized how intoxicated I was. What had started as a great way to augment my spiritual quest, now showed signs of toxic addiction.

The Ashtanga Method, and the teachings of Yoga, provide an INTENSE way to hold oneself to the fire. The physical and mental demands of a 6 day a week asana practice, as well as the complex and challenging postures, is a great way to focus the mind and develop strength of body and character. Diving headfirst into a practice is totally my style, and the “expectations” of the Ashtanga practice gave me accountability and purpose. My life transformed when I started ashtanga, and I continue to experience incredible breakthroughs and deep reflections because of my practice. 

I love my practice, and I still practice 5-6 times per week. One of my favorite Yoga Sutras, 1.14, says: “dirghakala nairantarya satkarasevito drdhabhumih”. Meaning, practice should be done consistently, with effort, over a long period of time, to establish a firm foundation. This idea of tapas, burning, purification through effort, diligent practice -it works, I promise. But the darkside and often unseen side to this, is that deep asana work is also addicting. Learning to fill your cup with spiritual “activities” is also “grasping”, perhaps another form of spiritual bypassing. Sometimes we start to neglect the 3D world.

I’ve had to realize a lot of hard truths about myself, most of these insights came via my sadhana, which is ironic -the seer becomes the seen. When had I let myself become such an aloof character, out of touch with her inner power and navigation system?

I lost it somewhere on my yoga mat.

Somewhere between learning to forward fold and learning to Tic Tock I left my “real-world” identity behind. I neglected my home life, I neglected my finances, I quit working as a nurse (the only real lucrative job I have), I stopped playing video games, stopped reading fiction books, stopped cooking, stopped hiking, stopped doing anything that wasn’t asana practice, philosophy studying, working out, or teaching yoga. 

I rode a high of community building, celebrity workshops, international travel, existential pondering, and deep spiritual questing for years. I learned a lot, had many life changes, made tons of friends, and I have strived to commit myself to the Ashtanga Yoga path, whatever that may entail…

But theres a balance right? If we don’t know ourselves in the mirror anymore, then we need to be more observant. What is driving you? What is driving any of us?

Are we acting in love? 

My world opened up, I can do things I never thought possible -both in body and spirit. I have embraced challenges and I’ve had adventures. Yoga has given me a lot.

But versions of my old self began to show up again - in this idea of “workaholism”, the idealistic pursuit of success brought on from an average American capitalistic up-bringing. In all of my “aultruistic” efforts to live my truth, there started to be a hint of narcisism. Was I living my truth? Or was I just being plain selfish? These questions cause conflict and chaos and finding balance is tough as we start to stir the pot of our samskaras.

Old corporate Ashley (my old job was in corporate restaurants), peered through my current set of eyes. I was doing it again. 

I let my “work” become biased, I indulged my addiction, and I’ve had a chip on my shoulder despite my vulnerability and no-nonsesnse approach. I was in danger of losing all other sides of myself. I had lost sight of all other realms of my life besides asana practice and yogic studies.

Asana can make you heavy. Muscular and strong heavy? Yes. But also, it can weigh you down. It can pull you away from things. Asana is powerful. Asana is addictive -it feeeeels good. If you aren’t careful, your daily sadhana can become a self imposed prison, keeping you away from things that enrich your life.

In the past, I wouldn’t have remembered my last rest day -and now I rest when I need it.

I ate a giant donut the other day and I had no guilt. I call that progress. And as I looked at my Death Valley donut, and bae had her Yellowstone donut, I remembered that there used to be a younger version of me that didn’t judge herself for eating the occasional deep fried treat. 

I started playing a video game, and I have been reading fiction books :) 

I went on vacation with my wife and only did my asana practice 3/7 days! (OMG am I admitting that publicly? -thats the problem you see?).

We have to recognize the line between being a traditionalist and being a martyr. Our frustrations mere reflections of unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Expectation is the root of all suffering…. We have to notice it when we are the one putting up the walls, and then declaring we feel isolated. If you always decline the dinner invitation, because its “too late with practice in the morning” - then you can’t be surprised when your world grows smaller.

So, don’t forget about the relationships, the TV shows, the nature hikes, the hobbies, the things that are specifically NOT YOGA. These things influence our lives as much as anything else. Just because you have been to a pooja in India, or do 108 Sun Salutes on the Summer Solstice, doesn’t mean you have to give up the occasional netflix binge. Its not black and white. Its not either or. It is both.

We draw these hard lines about stuff when life is just meant to be experienced. Yoga Sutra 2.18 says: “Prakasa Kriya Sthiti Silam Bhutendriyatmakam Bhogapavargartham Drsyam”. Meaning, nature exists purely for the experience of the sensory, and the liberation from it (the matrix). 

Live in the sensory world. Enjoy your practice. Be mindful. 

Remember, your name is not Eka Pada Sirsasana. Don’t forget who you are.