Discomfort

Kapotasana and I have an interesting relationship. Presenting herself as the first real neurological awakening for me in my yoga practice. Requiring such inner focus and awareness, it was here, that I really started learning what it meant to stay in your breath. There is a good amount of discomfort for me when I work this posture -and yet I find myself craving the challenge. Whatever your struggle pose may be, there comes a point where you find space, expansion, and clarity that wasn't there before. Time is suddenly limitless and there is only you and your breath. Physical sensations attempt to pull you back to the earth plane, but if you stay focused on the breath you can linger in that state of nothingness for just a while longer...

Let it be heavy… My teacher said this to me recently as I exhaled toward my heels, knowing that this is the moment of truth - “No Man’s Land”, as Taylor Hunt says… Hovering in the discomfort, can you find connection? Can you stay in the depth of it a bit longer? Letting it be so heavyyyy….

There is a great deal of discomfort in life. The yoga practice is not an escape from this, but a tool rather, to help you stay equanimous in stressful situations.

Practicing in Mysore was full of discomforts -physical, spiritual, mental, emotional. Everyday I came up against myself in situations outside of my control. Most of it was pleasurable and I consider myself a pretty "go with the flow" person -but my point is, everyone has baggage and obstacles and fears and frustrations -and ALL OF THAT shows up for you on any spiritual retreat. Sitting and waiting at the shala for hours every morning before practice was one of my biggest challenges -being unable to control my practice time distracted me mentally and the actual act of sitting on the floor ("no stretching"! lol) for hours was brutal. Of course I wasn't going to let this bring me down plus we are all in this together -so you just deal. This is what I mean - how much of your reality are you attached to? I took a 4 hour car ride with an Indian man who didn't speak English, in the middle of the night through India, with no cell service! At one point when he pulled over for a chai (of course there's chai at 3am outside of Bangalore), it hit me that I was utterly alone. No one would ever find me if this guy turned out to be a whacko! But of course he was totally sweet and professional lol and someone within Mysore would notice me missing.... Upon arrival you realize these types of stories are completely normal, and everyone is riding this rollercoaster with a big smile on their faces, these yogis get it! Showing up for the ride is the whole point of the experience.

There is strength and salvation in discomfort. Hear me out. The moment that feels the hardest, is where true strength resides. If you can meet that head on and just be with it, you can peel back layers of yourself and begin to understand the truth of your divinity. Trusting in deep asana practice is a great way to explore this, and the transformations that take place are what makes Ashtanga Yoga an incredible sadhana. There is something about hanging on that precipise -the moment it starts to feel heavy. If you’re paying close attention, you can notice your nervous system try and scare you, try and make you bail out. Maybe a ping in the chest, a sharp breath, burning quads threatening to collapse, and this is that moment -in No Man’s Land, are you going to win the battle with yourself? Stay in the breath, remember the physical realm is pliable and you are in control….When it feels heaviest, sink into it, see what happens…

As we play with reality on our mats, gaining more and more mental resilience, other discomforts in life start to fall away or cease to disturb us. Once you know the truth, it takes a lot more to bring you down. Everything is up for grabs during practice -Am I strong enough? Am I thin enough? Will I ever be able to do that? I didn’t eat right last night. I did something stupid at work. My skin is so awful. My spouse is angry with me. I’m such a loser. I wish I wasn’t sick. Why me? I am discontent…. Self hate speech floats freely through our minds (at least sometimes!) during practice. Recognizing it as such, we shut it down. We come back to the breath, the gaze, the posture, and then (hopefully) we can find that place between worlds, a moving meditation, knowing that working our struggle pose makes us the strongest version of ourselves -and that self hate speech (and any other part of our lives that threatens to disturb our contentment), can’t hold a candle to us. We are doing the real work.

I’ve been working Kapotasana for three years, almost to the day. When I was given the posture I was commuting 2 hours each way to the shala because I wouldn’t drive on the highway. Driving anxiety crippled me so bad that I was willing to spend half my day traveling the back roads instead. (Once I even drove from Cleveland Ohio to Nashville TN without the highway! That was crazy!). As I got more familiar with the pose, it presented its different challenges and hiccups, and it changed and grew and came and went as my practiced developed into intermediate series. At the same time things in my personal life changed dramatically, new partner, new job, new life sorta thing. I went through a lot of dark periods, but I also started driving on the highway! I felt so accomplished and in charge of my life once I started getting back on the highway. I freed up so much time in my day, which in itself was rewarding. I joked one day with my teacher that I “couldn’t do kapo but I could drive on the highway!” lol and he was like “Yes! Its a life skill”!… and that really sat with me. Who the fuck cares if I can bind in Kapo on my own -if I can drive on the frickin highway?! The latter is much more useful, necessary and impactful!

And so, if we can meet discomfort on our terms -on our mats, then it is all the more easier to meet it in life. The practice is built so that we come up against various things that test our commitment and resilience. Each person’s journey is unique and there is no road map. Teachers will guide you as your paths parallel things they have seen before, but no one can steer your ship but you. When it starts to feel heavy, and you have the choice, will you lean into it? Or will you bail out?