Over the Rainbow
The first time I kissed someone, she was a girl ❤️ I was so young, I didn't really know the difference or think much about gender roles. We played house and pretended to be in love for years. I continued to have close, childhood romances with girls and boys well into grade school.
I went to catholic school until highschool, so naturally they taught us nothing about sex let alone anything not heteronormative. But still, living in my childhood suburban bubble, I didn't really think much about it. My friends liked boys, so I liked boys too. It wasn't until highschool -good ol' gay friendly Lakewood High 😅- that I learned words like bisexual and queer... There were girls in highschool that called themselves lesbians, and suddenly I realized that I also belonged somewhere on the other end of the sexuality spectrum.
For whatever reason, relationships with boys always seemed predominant in my life. Maybe it was the subtle hints of homophobia, and the general expectation for "pretty, feminine girls" to be straight -but even I didn't take my feelings for girls seriously. I called myself bisexual, but in highschool it didn't seem to mean much more than experimentation. My relationships with girls always ran parallel to my relationships with boys, and the boys somehow always won in the end.
Soon the workforce would claim my entire existence, and I would be a slave to my bottom line for the next decade. Focused and successful, I didn't bother to explore the fact that I had once told my (would be) husband that I liked girls. He laughed at me, like most college guys did. However, the truth can never stay hidden for long, and after liberating myself from the corporate world, I was smacked in the face with who I used to be, and all the parts of me I had lost.
Dating girls became my top priority, but unfortunately, I was in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. I struggled for years trying to balance an open marriage, secret and not secret girlfriends, an alcoholic partner, and my own self identity. I just felt so trapped in between the lines that I had always colored over as a kid and young adult.
Coming out when you're 32, and married to a guy, is a weird experience. But also exciting! And liberating! And it just felt like such a natural progression of my life, that once I realized that's what I needed, it didn't matter the cost.
Sometimes I feel like I lost out, spent my 20s climbing the corporate ladder instead of dating women. Never took a girl to a dance, although my ex girlfriend did sit next to me at prom (awkward!!). I love my life and I don't waste energy wishing on what "could've been", but I feel like that's a good reason to make things different for the future.
How different would my life have been if we learned about all the different types of relationships and genders in school? If these things were discussed openly and widely accepted? To be honest, I had it easy. Far more queer people are harassed, bullied, attacked, shunned and rejected. It never ceases to amaze me how much humans like to hurt each other. All in the name of love.
This is why pride month is important! It's a time for awareness, to recognize the hardships endured by many in an effort to reduce hate crimes and gain equality.
It's a reminder that even if you're straight - you gotta understand that sexuality and gender are non binary. As we evolve as a species, we have to stop limiting ourselves to black and white thinking. Democrat or Republican? Vegetarian or meat eater? Faithful and monogamous or slutty and polyamorous? Straight or gay? Boy or girl? Stop expecting people to fit into the boxes you create. Are we really that small minded that we think there's such little diversity?
That's what I love about the flamboyance of pride. The bright colors and outrageous outfits are a celebration of the variety of life. You don't need to be any certain way. Just be yourself. There is no "fitting in", because there is room enough for everyone's unique expression of life and love.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜